Dear Teacher Amy Husband

Under normal circumstances, this would be the final straw in our relationship with Sarah, but how do we address this situation with her and express the gravity of our anger and hurt while she mourns the devastating loss of her husband?

HelloI don't know exactly where tostart. But, I will just jumpright in I guess. I have a friendthat has left her husband andnow the real trouble is starting.I belong to a support groupcalled New Beginnings. The grouphelped her escape her abusivehusband. She was hidden in differentlocations for a bit then setup in an apartment of her ownwith her children. Just beforeshe left New York her daughtertold the teachers at her schoolof the families circumstancesat home. The abuse that hermother was receiving and therapes by her father of her mother.Now the state of New York isinvestigating her to see ifshe was negligent in sendingher children to school. Alsothey want to physically examinethe kids to check for bruisesetc.

Ipersonally think the husbandis behind this. The woman istotally petrified that she isgoing to lose these childrento him now. He has gotten thephone number and knows she livessomewhere in Maryland. But ThankGod nothing more than that.He has been playing head gameswith her because she asked himto provide for his childrenbut he refuses to do so. Hestates quite clearly that ifshe attempts to get him throughthe courts he will just quithis job. I was wondering ifthere is any way that you couldhelp her? It is hard enoughmaking the break like she haswithout all this indignity ontop of it. As far as I am concernedshe has done nothing exceptto try to keep her childrensafe while he has done muchdamage by his actions. Pleasehelp this wonderful woman. Hername is Rhonda her screen nameis XXXX. I thank you for anyinformation you can give herand also any advice. Sincerely,Patrice

DearRhonda: I am writing to you in responseto a note that your friend,Patrice sent to FEMINIST.COM.I'm so sorry to hear about yoursituation--and even sorrierthat I have taken so long torespond. The only good thingto have come by this delay isthat you may have found a solution--atleast temporarily--to your situation.Ihave friends who had to sufferat the hands of the New YorkFamily Court system becauseof their ignorance and I hopethat wasn't your situation.In this instance, the motherwas charged with neglect becauseher children smelled and their cloethes were dirty. No attentionwas given to the fact that themother was illiterate so shecouldn't get a job. She wastrying to become literate, butthe system made it impossibleto work and study--and, therefore,no way to dig yourself out ofpoverty. Ishare this story with you fora specific reason, which isto illustrate that the systemis wrong, not you. And I thinkwhen going up against what youare potentially going to goup against, you have to keepthis in mind. It sounds like you have doneeverything that you should--youprotected your children andyourself. And hopefully thecourts will respect these choices.I'm assuming that you have alreadyreceived a restraining order--orsomething that can keep yourhusband from seeing your children.I think this is especially importantuntil a final decision is made.Mostly because he sounds likea controlling, angry personand I would hate for him totake that out on the children.I'm also assuming that you havefiled for seperation and/ordivorce or at least begun todo so. Once you do this, thecourt will hopefully look atfully enforce him to pay somethingtoward his child's development.What is most important is thatyou and your children are safe.What is next important is foryou to take care of yourself.Like the group your friend isinvovled with, I hope you getinvolved in a similiar group.To find one near you, you couldlook at resources we offer hereat FEMINIST.COM. I hope that helps and I hopeyou will write directly shouldyou need further help, clarificationor have further questions. Goodluck to you-- and I hope youand your children find the "newbeginnings" you need.Amy home| what'snew | resources| askamy | news| activism| anti-violenceevents |marketplace| about us| e-mail us | joinour mailing list

Joseph S. Lerner, 87, passed away peacefully surrounded by his loving family on July 19, 2006. He was the beloved husband of Shirley, beloved father of Leslie, Ken (Laurie), and Carol Lerner; beloved grandfather of Aaron, Daniel, Jeremy and Jamie; beloved uncle of Marcia (Ricardo) Hofer, Stephen (Harriet) Lerner, Jonny Lerner, Higgy (Renee) Lerner and David (Leslie) Friedman, and beloved brother-in-law of Kathleen Lerner, Rosalie Lerner and Frances Levitov; beloved great-uncle of Jennifer and Amy Hofer, Matt Lerner (Jo Saltmarsh) and Ben (Ari Mangual) Lerner, and Anjelica and Anthony Lerner. Dr. Lerner retired from a rewarding career as a professor and head of the special education department and chairman of the doctoral program at San Francisco State University. He mentored teachers to work with special education students. His career spanned 42 years of work in education. He was active co-president of the Peninsula Temple Beth El Senior Friendship Club, volunteering in the temple library and member of Israel Havurah. Memorial services will be held on August 4, 2006 at 11 a.m. at Peninsula Temple Beth El, San Mateo.

Previous ChapterNext ChapterPART TWO: CHAPTER FORTY - THREE - SurprisesJo was alone in the twilight, lying on the old sofa, looking at the fire, and thinking. It was her favorite way of spending the hour of dusk. No one disturbed her, and she used to lie there on Beth's little red pillow, planning stories, dreaming dreams, or thinking tender thoughts of the sister who never seemed far away. Her face looked tired, grave, and rather sad, for tomorrow was her birthday, and she was thinking how fast the years went by, how old she was getting, and how little she seemed to have accomplished. Almost twenty-five, and nothing to show for it. Jo was mistaken in that. There was a good deal to show, and by-and-by she saw, and was grateful for it."An old maid, that's what I'm to be. A literary spinster, with a pen for a spouse, a family of stories for children, and twenty years hence a morsel of fame, perhaps, when, like poor Johnson, I'm old and can't enjoy it, solitary, and can't share it, independent, and don't need it. Well, I needn't be a sour saint nor a selfish sinner, and, I dare say, old maids are very comfortable when they get used to it, but..." And there Jo sighed, as if the prospect was not inviting.It seldom is, at first, and thirty seems the end of all things to five-and-twenty. But it's not as bad as it looks, and one can get on quite happily if one has something in one's self to fall back upon. At twenty-five, girls begin to talk about being old maids, but secretly resolve that they never will be. At thirty they say nothing about it, but quietly accept the fact, and if sensible, console themselves by remembering that they have twenty more useful, happy years, in which they may be learning to grow old gracefully. Don't laugh at the spinsters, dear girls, for often very tender, tragic romances are hidden away in the hearts that beat so quietly under the sober gowns, and many silent sacrifices of youth, health, ambition, love itself, make the faded faces beautiful in God's sight. Even the sad, sour sisters should be kindly dealt with, because they have missed the sweetest part of life, if for no other reason. And looking at them with compassion, not contempt, girls in their bloom should remember that they too may miss the blossom time. That rosy cheeks don't last forever, that silver threads will come in the bonnie brown hair, and that, by-and-by, kindness and respect will be as sweet as love and admiration now.Gentlemen, which means boys, be courteous to the old maids, no matter how poor and plain and prim, for the only chivalry worth having is that which is the readiest to pay deference to the old, protect the feeble, and serve womankind, regardless of rank, age, or color. Just recollect the good aunts who have not only lectured and fussed, but nursed and petted, too often without thanks, the scrapes they have helped you out of, the tips they have given you from their small store, the stitches the patient old fingers have set for you, the steps the willing old feet have taken, and gratefully pay the dear old ladies the little attentions that women love to receive as long as they live. The bright-eyed girls are quick to see such traits, and will like you all the better for them, and if death, almost the only power that can part mother and son, should rob you of yours, you will be sure to find a tender welcome and maternal cherishing from some Aunt Priscilla, who has kept the warmest corner of her lonely old heart fo